The Third Most Important Relationship

February 17, 2002 Preacher: Randy Smith Series: Colossians

Scripture: Colossians 3:20–21

Transcript

The Third Most Important Relationship

Colossians 3:20-21
Sunday, February 17, 2002
Pastor Randy Smith



The following story is from Dr. James Dobson's book Hide or Seek:

"He began his life with all the classic handicaps and disadvantages. His mother was a powerfully built, dominating woman who found it difficult to love anyone. She had been married three times, and her second husband divorced her because she beat him up regularly. The father of the child I'm describing was her third husband; he died of a heart attack a few months before the child's birth. As a consequence the mother had to work long hours from his earliest childhood.

She gave him no affection, no love, no discipline, and no training during those early years. She even forbade him to call her at work. Other children had little to do with him, so he was alone most of the time. He was absolutely rejected from his earliest childhood. When he was thirteen years old a school psychologist commented that he probably didn't even know the meaning of the word love. During adolescence, the girls would have nothing to do with him and he fought with the boys.

Despite a high IQ, he failed academically, and finally dropped out during his third year of high school. He thought he might find acceptance in the Marine Corps; they reportedly built men, and he wanted to be one. But his problems went with him. The other Marines laughed at him and ridiculed him. He fought back, resisted authority, and was court-martialed and thrown out of the marines with an undesirable discharge. So there he was - a young man in his early twenties, absolutely friendless. He was small and scrawny in stature. He had an adolescent squeak in his voice. He had no talent, no skill, no sense of worthiness.

Once again he thought he could run from his problems, so he went to live in a foreign country. But he was rejected there also. While there he married a girl who had been an illegitimate child and brought her back to America with him. Soon she began to develop the same contempt for him that everyone else displayed. She bore him two children, but he never enjoyed the status and respect a father should have. His marriage continued to crumble. His wife demanded more and more things that he could not provide. Instead of being his ally against the bitter world, as he hoped, she became his most vicious opponent. She could outfight him, and she learned to bully him. On one occasion she locked him in the bathroom as punishment. Finally she forced him to leave.

He tried to make it on his own, but he was terribly lonely. After days of solitude, he went home and literally begged her to take him back. He surrendered all pride. Despite his meager salary, he brought her $78.00 as a gift, asking her to take it and spend it any way she wished. But she belittled his feeble attempts to supply the family's needs. She ridiculed his failure. At one point he fell on his knees and wept bitterly as the darkness of his private nightmare enveloped him. Finally, in silence he pleaded no more. No one wanted him. No one had ever wanted him.

The next day he was a strangely different man. He arose, went to the garage, and took down a rifle he had hidden there. He carried it with him to his newly acquired job at a book storage building. And from a window on the third floor of that building, shortly after noon, November 22, 1963, he sent two shells crashing into the head of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Lee Harvey Oswald, the rejected, unlovable failure, killed the man who, more than any other man on earth, embodied all the success, beauty, wealth, and family affection which he lacked. In firing that rifle, he utilized the one skill he had learned in his entire, miserable lifetime.

Lee Harvey Oswald's story stands out from that of others because of the incredibly documented public infamy of the final days of his life. His miserable life experience is paralleled today by thousands upon thousands who have known the same or even greater lack of affection, discipline, and training because much of the American family experience is a relational desert." This is no doubt a sad and extreme illustration, but all would agree (based on experience and statistics) that children function the best where they are nurtured by one mother and one father in a loving environment built on discipline and instruction.

I've entitled this message, "The Third Most Important Relationship," meaning that a parent's relationship with their child is second to their relationship with each other and third to their relationship with the Lord. In other words, (and I am following Paul's train of thought) if you want to be the best parent for your child, first pursue your relationship with God and then your relationship with your spouse . Your PhD in child psychology or your astute biblical parenting skills are meaningless if you are living without the Spirit of God, walking in the flesh, or existing with your spouse in a divisive relationship.

Well, let's step back and look at the big picture. We find ourselves this morning examining the second pair in Paul's instructions for the Christian household. Next week we will address slaves and masters (in 3:22-4:1), and last week we addressed husbands and wives (in 3:18-19). Wives were commanded to submit to their husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands were commanded to love their wives and not be embittered against them. Both submission for the wives and love/leadership for the husbands are to be done in a way that mirrors, illustrates and glorifies Christ's union with His church. As the bride of Christ (the church) submits to her husband (Christ), so the woman is to likewise submit to her husband. Christ loves His bride with a sacrificial, sensitive and sanctifying love; so likewise the man is to love his wife. When understood and implemented biblically, God-ordained marriage roles both honor the Creator and provide deep and lasting joy in the marriage union.

Now we reach verse 21 in the epistle to the Colossians. Paul has just explained in detail our relationship with Christ in chapters 1 and 2. But before he gives any information regarding specific relationships in the family, he explains the virtues (which we are to "put on") and vices ("which we are to "put off") that should characterize our new life in Christ (3:1-17). And if anything was unclear in regards to godly living, the verse that leads us into biblical family relationships is, "And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father" (Col. 3:17). Of first priority (in 3:18-19), Paul begins this section of instruction geared to the closest relationship, the marriage. This relationship is the only one that mirrors Christ's union with the church. Then in 3:20-21 it's almost as if Paul is saying…so you are a Christian…so you are walking in the Spirit…so the Spirit is bearing fruit in your lives…so you have a God-glorifying marriage… now let me tell you how to be right with your children . And children , let me tell you how to be right with your parents .

Parents and children is our topic for this morning. Let's not divorce these verses from the entire epistle. But let's not miss Paul's succinct instruction (in verses 20-21), imperatives for every child and parent to clearly understand and implement for the glory of God and joy in their relationship.

1. CHILDREN…OBEY!

Our first point specifically addresses children. "Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord" (Col. 3:20). I believe we first need to define whom Paul is speaking to when he says, "children ". The Greek word is tekna and it is a general term not limited to a specific age group. Basically it refers to any child still living in the home under parental guidance. Though the term "children" appears somewhat juvenile for adolescents, teens would nevertheless be included in this classification.

Out of curiosity how many of you (children or youth) are still living with your parents? I want to preach this verse to you; Paul didn't say, "Parents tell your children!" Rather he addressed all the children in the congregation personally. He viewed you as responsible people in the church.

Children, I am thankful that you are here. I know the sermons can often be difficult to understand, and I trust that your parents are helping you learn a few points from my messages that you can apply to your life. However, you especially need to understand this sermon, because it's the only time in this letter that God is specifically speaking to you. This information does not apply to your parents, grandparents, or great-grandparents. It applies to you! And of all this things the Bible could teach children, it seems to say one thing over and over again. What is that? Obey your parents !

What does it mean to obey your parents? Basically it means to do what they say and with the right attitude. God has given you the right parents. He didn't make a mistake. Your parents love you very much! And they show that love to you by making sure you grow up in the right way. God has given your parents a job to teach you, help you and discipline you- all for your good! They know what they're doing! In response to this, God has also given you a job, a job to obey your parents (although I know it's difficult at times).

No child enjoys discipline or correction, but did you know that the Bible says that the greatest way your parents can express their love to you is by their discipline. Discipline helps you learn right from wrong and live a life that is safe, respectable, productive and honoring to God. As a matter of fact, the Bible says that if your parents don't discipline you, they don't love you. And if they don't discipline you, God is upset with them!

Do you remember the story of Eli and his two sons Hophni and Phinehas? The Bible calls them "worthless men" because they did not obey their father and honor the Lord. But in that story, God was not only angry at Hophni and Phinehas, He was angry at their dad for not disciplining them properly.

Boy and girls, you should not be like Hophni and Phinehas. You should be like Jesus Christ. The Bible says that He obeyed His parents (Mary and Joseph) in everything. He even obeyed His heavenly Father in everything as well. After His baptism God said, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased". Can your parents say that of you?

In the Bible there is a book called Proverbs . It contains helpful advice to live a life pleasing to the Lord. "Hear, my son (and daughter), your father's instruction, and do not forsake your mother's teaching" (Pro. 1:8). "My son (and daughter), observe the commandment of your father, And do not forsake the teaching of your mother; Bind them continually on your heart; Tie them around your neck. When you walk about, they will guide you ; when you sleep, they will watch over you ; and when you awake, they will talk to you . For the commandment is a lamp , and the teaching is light ; and reproofs for discipline are the way of life " (Pro. 6:20-23). God cares for you very much. That's why He has given you parents. And since He has given them to you, He expects you to listen to them.

Unfortunately many children ignore their parents, and it's ultimately to their own harm. Many kids also make fun of their parents. What does the Bible say about that? "The eye that mocks a father, and scorns a mother, the ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it" (Pro. 30:17). Do you know what would happen to children in the Old Testament when they would disobey their parents? They would be killed! Why? Because when a child disobeys his or her parents, he or she disobeys God. Now, the New Testament does not tell parents to stone their children, but it does teach them to bring their children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Boys and girls, being a parent isn't easy, and every parent makes mistakes. But unless your parents ask you do something that hurts you or clearly goes against what God tells you to do in the Bible, God expects you to obey them in "all things." You still may be wondering why, Pastor Randy, should I obey your parents? "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth" (Eph. 6:1-3). One reason you should obey is so that it may be well with you, and you may have a long life on the earth.

Another reason you should obey is because of the purpose that God put them in your life. They are there to teach, warn, discipline, correct, and encourage you. They are given by God as an umbrella to shelter you from the stormy weather. Whenever a child steps outside of the umbrella of their parent's protection, they place themselves in a dangerous situation.

But maybe the best reason to obey is found right here in Colossians where it says (verse 20) that it "is well-pleasing to the Lord". The Lord is not just pleased but well pleased when you obey your parents. Just as God the Father was well pleased with Jesus for His obedience, God is also well pleased with you when you love Him and obey your parents.

It's real simple children. Do you want to honor and obey God? Then honor and obey your parents! This is God's will for you! I believe it's the only command in the entire Bible ever addressed to children, so you can bet it's important in God's sight. Children if you are Christians, you must obey your parents. And if you obey your parents, you will show yourself to be Christians by your deeds as well as your words.

2. PARENTS … GIVE HOPE!

Children, you're off the hook! Allow us now to turn our attention to the parents . Verse 21 says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart" (Col. 3:21). As Paul will do throughout this section, the authoritative party will always be listed second with specific responsibilities and duties (often of love, kindness, and justice) as well. Children were already addressed. Now, naturally, Paul turns his attention to parents .

However, as he did with husbands, he throws an unexpected curve ball to the parents. For example, Wives are expected to submit to their husbands. Therefore we would expect him to say, Husbands , it is your responsibility to LEAD. However, he says, Husbands , it is your responsibility to LOVE. When addressing children , the call for them is to OBEY (a different word than submit). Naturally, we would expect him to say, Parents , it is your duty to DISCIPLINE. But rather he says, Parents , don't EXASPERATE.

Hold that thought! Allow me to first give two related comments on discipline implied in verse 20. I once heard a man say, "I love my kids too much to discipline them." Beloved, discipline is love! The absence of discipline means that fatherhood is not proclaimed. The writer of Hebrews said, "And you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, 'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.' It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." (Heb. 12:5-11).

As a matter of fact the parallel verse in Ephesians says, "And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). Continually, the Scriptures call parents to discipline their children, to remove foolishness (Pro. 22:15), to rescue from judgment (Pro. 23:13-14), to impart wisdom (Pro. 29:15), to relieve from anxiety (Pro. 29:17) and to reflect God's character and prepare their hearts for the gospel (Heb. 12). As parents we are God's appointed agents to bring our children up in the ways of the Lord. Bluntly put, that process expects discipline. The Lord expects you to discipline for lack of obedience to His standards. Furthermore, the Lord expects you to expect your children to obey.

Well, if discipline is implied from 3:20, why is it not mentioned in 3:21? I believe it is because Paul wanted to make sure parents don't go overboard. Maybe you were a parent nudging your kid regarding the instruction addressed to them in verse 20. Maybe you were getting a "big head." Maybe you have been overly strict, harsh, unfair and unloving in your discipline. I believe 3:21 is the necessary verse to balance 3:20. Yes, children must obey you "in all things," but parents, don't exercise such a heavy hand that you exasperate your kids and provoke them to anger. Don't misuse your God-given authority.

This admonition was especially necessary in the ancient world. Last week I mentioned how wives were treated; children were not treated any better. History records that they were disadvantaged under Roman law. Technically they were the property of the father, their status being little better than that of slaves. The father had unlimited power over his child to do as he wished, even if it meant selling them as slaves, beating them or taking their lives. This stronghold only ended when the father emancipated the child or the child died. The Jewish child suffered similar disadvantages. As I mentioned earlier, severe punishment, even death could be allotted to disobedient children.

So you can imagine the man in the ancient world hearing this command. Wait Paul! First you say I need to love my wife! Now I need to avoid exasperating my child! The biblical teachings were nothing less than radical!

There has been much debate as to whom Paul is specifically addressing in verse 21. In viewing a number of translations this week, almost every one prefers the translation "fathers." Yes, Paul did address "parents" one verse earlier. Yes, this command applies to both mother and father as they have a joint responsibility to discipline and educate the children. Yes, mothers tend to, due to their proximity, spend more time with their children. But despite all this, I believe "fathers" is a more appropriate translation for a few reasons. Fathers have more of a tendency to exasperate their children being less in touch with their child's feelings. Fathers, as the household leaders, need to take ultimate responsibility for the manner in which their children are treated. And ultimately, the Greek word is pater (where we get the word paternal) and it simply means, "Father."

The command is addressed to fathers, but obviously has application to both parents. Therefore I now plan to address every parent in the sanctuary with children under their authority. The command is this, "Do not exasperate your children." In Ephesians it's stated more specifically, "Do not provoke your children to anger." Exasperation (a broad and general word) means to "stir up," to "provoke," to "embitter," or to "irritate." The word is only used elsewhere in 2 Corinthians 9; there it is used in the positive sense. "For I know your readiness, of which I boast about you to the Macedonians, namely, that Achaia has been prepared since last year, and your zeal has stirred up (erethizo) most of them" (2 Cor. 9:2).

To put it in applicable terms, let me give you a list of 20 ways that parents exasperate their children: Failure to be happy, hopeful and confident in God; Endless criticism/fault-finding; Failure to listen; Nagging/deriding their efforts; Constant yelling; Failure to spend time individually with children; Unfair, harsh, inconsistent, or nonexistent discipline; Conflicting messages; Unwillingness to admit personal sin/seek child's forgiveness; Public Ridicule; Unapproachable disposition; Deferred aggression; Lack of encouragement/compliments; Overprotection; Partiality/favoritism between children; Setting unrealistic goals/expectations; Failure to show love/affection; Neglect (physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually), Lack of standards/double standards; Unwillingness to model desired behavior.

Parents, there's no doubt that God expects your children to obey. However, He expects you to put on the virtues we seem to ignore from 3:12 (compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness and love) when dealing with your children. As parents we tend to think our kids belong to us so we can treat them any way we wish. How often we forget that they belong to God, and He will some day take them back. In the meantime we have been entrusted with an invaluable stewardship to which we will give account.

It's fascinating. Paul could have provided the parent with various approaches to discipline in this letter, but he does not. Rather, he is more concerned with the child, knowing that his command for them to obey the parent "in all things" could easily be abused. Pastor Kent Hughes once said, "Few things could be more disheartening and resentment-building than to hear your life directed, as it were, from a shadowy figure from Mt. Olympus who leaves before you go to school, returns after dinner, and hands down edicts of conduct after church at Sunday dinner." The oft-quoted survey comes to mind, which reveals that fathers spend an average of 37 seconds a day with their children.

The understandable implication of an exasperated child is found at the end of verse 21; they lose heart. Literally it means, "to be without courage or spirit." Why bother; I can never please my parents. I'm out of here. If that's what it means to be a Christian, I want nothing to do with it. I'll turn somewhere else where I can feel loved and accepted. My parents don't even care. I refuse to talk with anyone about my problems. Respect my parents, you must be kidding. I've tuned my parents out. I wish I were never born.

Though I obviously fall short, men, I try to base my fatherhood on the fatherhood of God. I think of all the ways He is the perfect Father to me, and then I attempt to emulate His principles with my own children. I want to be as loving, forgiving, tender and kind to them as He is to me. I also want to be as holy, righteous, and just in correcting them as He is with me. I want to live in a way that my children can see true fatherhood demonstrated practically in their own lives, though it is dim reflection at this time.

I don't want my kids turned off when they hear of the Fatherhood of God, because they can only conger up negative connotations due to the image and example they've experienced from their earthly father.

As parents we need to confess that we blow it at times. We often need to seek both God and our child's forgiveness. Parents, don't let your kids lose heart. Give them HOPE! Hope not in money, popularity, education, spouse, profession, and self-confidence, but rather hope in God! Tear down their self-confidence and give them true and lasting hope, God-confidence.

We have now addressed 4 members of the Christian family: Wives -You need to submit to your husbands, in a way that is fitting in the Lord; Husbands -You need to love your wives, and not be embittered against them; Children - You need to obey your parents in all things, for that is well-pleasing to the Lord; Parents - Your need to avoid exasperating your children, that they may not lose heart.

Let's remember that God ordained these roles. We glorify Him by willing submission to His expectations. And as in any of God's design, our joy is increased when we demonstrate obedience. How blessed is the family when each member fulfills his or her responsibility. That family will be harmonious, they will experience peace and they will glorify their heavenly Father!