Transcript

What is My Marriage Reflecting?

Colossians 3:18-19
Sunday, February 10, 2002
Pastor Randy Smith

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The statistics are disheartening. In 1993, 2.3 millions couples married and 1.3 million couples divorced. In 1993 the Bureau of the Census projected that 4 of 10 first marriages will end in divorce. Now, 9 years later, it is claimed that over 50% of all marriages fail, 15% of those within the first year. Since 1960 divorce rates have more than tripled.

Divorce has harmful effects on both adults and children. Approximately 1/3 of divorced parents remain bitter and hostile several years after the divorce. Divorce affects over one million children each year. In 1980 it was predicted that 70% of all children born would spend some time of their childhood in a single parent family. A 1988 study by the National Center for Health Statistics found that children in single-parent families are more likely to drop out of high school, become pregnant as teenagers, abuse drugs and get into trouble with the law than those living with both parents.

Certainly, these are both alarming and depressing statistics. It was William Congreve who wrote, "Every man plays the fool once in his life, but to marry is playing the fool all of one's life." In the fairy tales, marriage is always the happy ending; today it's often the beginning of an unhappy ending. Where has society gone wrong, especially in the last 40 years? Can anything be done to save the nuclear family, the backbone of our society and the lynchpin to all moral order?

Surf the web and you will be inundated with practical self-help tips from a variety of gurus who promise they can save your marriage. But with so many options, where does one turn? How about turning to the One who created marriage? The One who has revealed His perfect and timeless plan for marriage in the pages of Holy Scripture? Unfortunately, many ignore God and structure their marriage on personal preference or the ways of the world. However, based on the skyrocketing divorce and adultery rates these appear not to be an attractive solution. C.S. Lewis once said, "Since the Fall no organization or way of life whatever has a natural tendency to go right." Why as His creatures are we not desperate for the right ways of God?

Now I believe the key to understanding a biblical marriage does not begin where many Christian authors begin in their current best-sellers with pragmatic, practical tidbits to a successful marriage. Unfortunately this approach puts the cart before the horse. Rather, marriage instruction begins with a solid theological grounding of the believer's relationship with Christ.

Is it not interesting that Paul placed almost 70 verses before his discussion on marriage, 52 on theology and then 17 on put ons and put offs? Why? Why did he simply not just begin the letter with marriage? Because as a husband for example, I can't love my wife (3:19) until I understand and apply the 69 verses that proceed. There are 4 ways to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord (1:10). Christ is to have first place in everything (1:18). Christ loved me when I was alienated (1:21). I am to labor and strive according to God's power (1:29). I have been given a new heart capable of obedience (2:11). I am to set my mind on the things above (3:1). I am to put off the deeds of the flesh (3:5). I am to put on the deeds of the new nature (3:12). I am to put on love as the ultimate virtue (3:14). I am to let the peace and Word of Christ richly dwell within me (3:15-16), and I am to do all for the glory of Christ (3:17).

So now when God tells me in 3:19 to love my wife, I realize through Colossians that love is a culmination of putting on the new nature (3:14). The model of love is Jesus Christ, the perfect One, who gave of his life to redeem His alienated bride (1:22). I cannot love apart from the supernatural presence of the Spirit that works mightily within me (1:29). I am to ultimately love my wife for God's glory in the name of Christ (3:17).

Now, I am not saying that the purpose of Colossians is to provide a marriage manual; rather I am saying that the practical imperatives in chapter 3 go hand-in-hand with the 69 verses already mentioned. They must not be divorced from each other (pun intended!). And I am convinced if believing couples could just follow the 69 verses in Colossians that precede the instructions on marriage, the Christian divorce statistics would be nonexistent, and couples would experience the joy God intended for marriage.

Well, before we examine these two verses on the role of husbands and wives in marriage, allow me to provide you with some helpful background information. The instruction for marriage finds itself in a series of admonitions addressed to the Christian household in the Mediterranean world. In total, Paul addresses 3 pairs of relationships beginning with the most intimate relationship and moving to more distant ones; wives and husbands, children and parents, and slaves and masters. The first party mentioned (in these pairs) is always told to submit or obey the second party. The second party is always commanded to serve the first party with love, fairness and/or justice. The Lord is mentioned 7 times in this 9-verse section, indicating that family roles are under the lordship of Christ, and are to be implemented for His glory. Therefore it is not surprising that this follows the verse where we concluded last week: "And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father" (Col. 3:17).

Interestingly, the commands for husbands and wives are concluded in a matter of 2 short verses, simply because they are a culmination of all that has been said thus far in Colossians. In the longer Ephesians parallel (which I read earlier) it could be argued that Paul's principle for marriage is summed up in one verse. In Ephesians 5:32, he says that marriage is to be an illustration of the union between Christ and the church. Men, do you want to know how to treat your wife? Follow the role of Christ in the way He loves and leads the church, His bride. Women, do you want to know how to treat your husband? Follow the role of the church, the bride of Christ, as she willingly submits to Christ.

Now we can see the overarching background in Colossians 3. "Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Col. 3:18). "Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them" (Col. 3:19). Paul could have said a lot about marriage; but he kept his instruction confined to biblical roles , which find their design ordained by God consistent with the biblical order of creation and the union between Christ and His church. Every marriage will take on roles; Christian couples however are expected to follow God's design for both order and obedience to their Creator. As Wayne Mack said, "When two people know, accept and fulfill their varying but complementary responsibilities, oneness in marriage is promoted." And it is a oneness in marriage ("one flesh"), that mirrors the oneness we share in union with Christ as members of His body.

1. PRIMARY INSTRUCTION TO WIVES (3:18)

Point #1- The primary instruction to wives is submission . As with many of the controversial biblical teachings, this one has possibly been most attacked in recent times. The concept of a wife's submissiveness sounds chauvinistic and outdated; it appears to be a step backwards in the rights of women. If Paul were alive today would he advocate such teaching? Many have dismissed the concept claiming that the text is either uninspired Scripture or the command is reflective of the 1st century culture and no longer applicable today. However, those who opt for this latter explanation have no problem with the inconsistency of insisting that the next verse in this interlocked unit does transcend time. The verse is, "Husbands, love your wives" (Col. 3:19). Unfortunately, those who resist this instruction to their own detriment (as the statistics reveal) either do so in their timeless rebellion against God's commands or because of a simple misunderstanding of the word "submission".

Allow me to say from the onset, submission is not a bad thing! Citizens are called to submit to their civil authorities in Romans 13. Congregations are called to submit to their elders in Hebrews 13. Jesus subjected Himself to His earthly parents in Luke 2. Jesus will also be subjected to the Father for eternity in 1 Corinthians 15. Perhaps the classic verse is, "But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ" (1 Cor. 11:3). In this verse the roles of men and women are spoken of in the same context with the roles of Christ and the Father. Though Christ subjects Himself to the Father, only a heretic would claim that Christ is inferior to the Father. The same applies to a marriage relationship… different in role or function (as I just mentioned), but equal in essence . "There is neither…male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Gal. 3:28). Just as Christ and the Father are equal in essence, but differ in role, so goes the marriage between husbands and wives.

To eliminate confusion, maybe it's best to begin by defining what submission is NOT. Submission does not mean that a wife becomes the husband's slave; it actually means she is liberated to be the woman that God has called her to be. Submission does not mean that a wife never speaks, gives an opinion or disagrees with her husband. She does not become a doormat subjected to passivity and bondage. Submission does not mean that a wife loses her unique personality and is prohibited to use her God-given gifts, talents and abilities. And as I already mentioned, submission does not mean that a wife is in any way inferior to her husband. Both have the same status before God.

Then what is submission? Submission is from the Greek word hypotasso. It is a compound word which derives its meaning from (hupo-under) and (tasso-appoint or designate); or in other words, "to place/appoint oneself under." The word is also in the middle voice that denotes an action done to oneself. So based on the grammar, the word is speaking of a voluntary submission, a willing choice for a wife to place herself under her husband's authority.

The word is not the same word used later for children and slaves. That word is hupakouo, a completely different word translated, "obey." Though he is often blamed for it, Paul did not command wives to obey. He commanded them to submit, to willingly place themselves under their own husband's authority. Also, may I add that nowhere in Scripture is the husband commanded to force his wife to submit. Rather the wife is commanded by God to voluntarily make herself submissive. Unfortunately, some of us husbands can make the process very difficult for our wives.

What else can we say about submission? Submission is continual, an ongoing process in and out of season. Submission is mandatory (the verb is in the imperative mood, it is a command). Though a woman is never expected to take physical abuse, submission is not based on the husband's attitude nor is it based on his abilities, gifts, talents, education or spiritual state. It's simply based on God's wise decree. Submission is also a spiritual matter . Submission is ultimately an act of obedience toward God. Wayne Mack said, "Submission to the husband is a test of her love for God…it is an act of obedience to Christ and not merely to her husband". Dick Lucas said, "In this concept there is no possibility of a married woman's surrender to a heavenly Christ which is not made visible and actual by (her) submission to an earthly husband." No husband (lest Jesus Christ) either deserves or is worthy of a submissive wife. But ladies, your submissiveness is not contingent on your husband; it is contingent on your relationship with God. It's not about your husband…it's about God!

In writing to Christian wives with unbelieving husbands, the Apostle Peter said, "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. And let not your adornment be merely external-- braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands" (1 Pet. 3:1-5). Submission is an attitude as well as an action . If a woman's submission is ultimately obedience unto God, it should be done with a spirit of delight and gladness, not begrudgedly or with complaint. Remember, in Ephesians 5 the woman is called to "respect her husband".

Finally, submission is to be "as is fitting in the Lord" (Col. 3:18). There are two sound aspects to this conclusion. As we have already expressed, a wife's submission as "fitting in the Lord" simply means that God commands it and delights in the wife's obedience to do it. It is "fitting in the Lord" for a wife to submit. Further it means that a wife's submission ends when she is expected to do something that contradicts Scripture or her conscience. Her submission then becomes not "fitting in the Lord". A woman is expected to submit as an act of obedience as unto Christ. Christ is her highest authority, and submission ends when she is forced to disobey her ultimate Leader, the Lord Jesus Christ. The apostles were faced with a similar predicament. Should they submit to governing authorities if those authorities asked them to go against God? I'm sure you remember their response. "But Peter and the apostles answered and said, "We must obey God rather than men" (Ac. 5:29).

Before addressing the men, I will allow Wayne Mack to have the final word, "Submission means that she sets herself as a part of her husband's team. She is not her husband's opponent fighting at cross purposes or trying to outdo him. She is not merely an individual going her separate way. She is her husband's teammate striving for the same goal. She has ideas, opinions, desires, requests and insights, and she lovingly makes them known. But she knows that on any good team someone has to make the final decision and plans. She knows that the team members must support the team leader, his plans and decisions, or no progress will be made, and confusion and frustration will result."

2. PRIMARY INSTRUCTION TO HUSBANDS (3:19)

Verse 19 is the counterpart to verse 18. Both must go together. We examined the role of wives. What role do the Scriptures command the husbands? "Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them" (Col. 3:19). Though we can infer from the previous verse that husbands are to lead, this verse actually commands husbands to love !

Submission and leading between a husband and wife under the lordship of Christ in a way that mirrors Christ's relationship with the church is distinctively Christian. But believe it or not, a husband simply loving his wife was a new and radical command to men in the first century and therefore was also distinctively Christian. At the time of writing Colossians, it was unthinkable that a man had a duty to his wife and that both he and his wife were to be considered equal in essence.

William Barclay wrote, "Under Jewish law a woman was a thing; she was the possession of her husband, just as much as his house or his flocks or his material goods were. She had no legal rights whatsoever. For instance, under Jewish law, a husband could divorce his wife for any cause, while a wife had no rights whatever in the initiation of the divorce. In Greek society a respectable woman lived a life of entire seclusion. She never appeared on the streets alone, not even going to go marketing. She lived in the women's apartments and did not join her men folk even for meals. From her there was demanded complete servitude and chastity; but her husband could go out as much as he chose, and could enter into as many relationships outside marriage as he liked and incur no stigma. Both under Jewish and under Greek laws and custom, all the privileges belonged to the husband, and all the duties to the wife."

Popular figures during this time said, "We have courtesans for the sake of pleasure; we have concubines for the sake of daily cohabitation; we have wives for the purpose of having children legitimately, and of having a faithful guardian for all our household affairs (Demosthenes)." Kato , a Roman writer, said, "If you are to catch your wife in an act of infidelity, kill her without a trial. But if she catches you, she would not venture to touch you with her finger, she has no right."

Furthermore, women were considered in that culture much different than they are today. They were considered less than human. They were considered slaves and beasts of burden in many cases. They had no rights at all. Men fulfilled the curse, as mentioned in Genesis 3, by fully exercising a vicious kind of rule and domination over women. A man had complete control over the female population, both his wife and his daughters, and could take their life at any moment without any legal recourse. The ancient pagan man breathed adultery. The marriage bond was virtually meaningless. Women have to thank Christian teaching for giving them an equal status with men (today we hear just the opposite) and for opening men's eyes and having them realize that their love for their wife is to be second only to their love for Jesus Christ.

I was reading this week about Julian Lennon who was abandoned by his father, ex-Beatle John Lennon, at the age of five. "I felt he was a hypocrite. Dad could talk about peace and love out loud to the world, but he could never show it to the people who supposedly meant the most to him: his wife and son. How can you talk about peace and love and have a family in bits and pieces: no communication, adultery, divorce? You can't do it, not if you're being true and honest with yourself." Isn't it funny that a man can win the Nobel Peace Prize after suffering 3 divorces in his personal life?

Unfortunately, men are clueless in relation to leadership; they hear of submission and Archie Bunker comes to mind. But they are also clueless on love; they hear love and "feelings" or "sex" comes to their mind. Paul did not use the word- phileo (affectionate feelings), nor did he use the word- erao (sexual attractions). He used the distinctive Christian word- agapao (a verb- a doing love), where we get the noun agape (self-sacrificial, caring love, which seeks the betterment of another).

Let's go a little deeper, the word agapao never occurs in any extrabiblical Hellenistic rules for the household. So when the men heard this in verse 19 when the letter was read publicly in the Colossian church, what would have come to mind? Probably a flashback to the way the same word was used earlier in the epistle. "That their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love …" (Col. 2:2). "And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity" (Col. 3:14). Paul has already spoken of the primacy of agape love. Now in verse 19 Paul is saying that this agape love is to characterize a man's relationship with his wife.

Let's just cut straight to the core. A man's love for his wife is essential and foundational to the Christian faith. If you do not love your wife, men, I don't want to hear how godly you are becoming, because you are greatly deceived! Some of us treat our wives worse than we would a strange lady on the street, and that is ridiculous! If so, we've denied the faith, mocked the divine illustration our marriage is intended to portray, and face the hindrance of our prayers (1 Pet. 3:7) because God is not going to tolerate those shenanigans. The ultimate test of our love for Jesus is our love for our wives!

Let's get very practical. In addition to Colossians, the church in Colossae probably read the encyclical letter making its rounds throughout the Lycus Valley, namely, the letter to the Ephesians. In that letter, Paul expands for the men exactly how they are to love their wives: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her" (Eph. 5:25). Husbands are commanded to love their wives just as Christ loved the church.

So the obvious question is, "How did Christ love the church?" The Scriptures say that before the foundation of the world, Christ set His love on the church, a love which has no beginning and likewise is without end. His love for the church was so great that He was willing to pay a supreme price if it meant redeeming the church from her sinful ways and drawing her to Himself in all purity. The Scriptures say that He left His rightful place of glory (perfect fellowship with the Father) to take on human flesh and dwell amongst sinners. The decision would involve ridicule, rejection, beatings, the denial of one close friend, and the betrayal of another. Then in the cruelest most agonizing way, He hung on the cross; suffering the excruciating physical torment as He even more painfully bore the sins of mankind. He who knew no sin, became sin on our behalf. In His most desperate time of need, the innocent One was deserted by His followers and mocked by the on lookers. One of His only comments, forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.

Now gentlemen, the text commands us to love our wives in the same manner! If the ultimate marriage responsibility for women is to submit to your leadership (as we have already discussed), the ultimate responsibility for the man is not to lead, but to love . The text says husbands love your wives with a love unique to the Christian realm, an agape love. It is the same love that prompted the Father to send His Son into the world. It is the same love that prompted the Son to die on behalf of lost sinners. Agape love speaks of a self-sacrificial love.

Much can be gleaned from a grammatical study of this Greek word translated "love." First the word is in the present tense . Agape love is continual love; it goes into the future without breaks. True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love doesn't have an ending! Also the word is in the active voice . Agape love is not passive. I don't receive the action; rather I give it out. Agape love cannot be kept to oneself. Internal feelings don't count. I must display agape love in my words and actions. Finally, the word is in the imperative mood . It is a command to love! I am to love by my choice. Therefore, when I refuse to love, I sin. And as any command, God has given us the ability to fulfill it!

It's very clear, men, the Lord's pattern of His love for the church is the husband's pattern of his love for his wife. As I mention the Lord's work, you think of your parallel responsibility to your wife. He gave to those who were undeserving, unworthy and unloving. He gave love without limits or conditions. He gave eternal love, promising to never withdraw it despite our ongoing sins. He gave at a personal cost to Himself. He suffered for His bride. And though rejected, He still loved, He preached and taught, He bled and died.

Men, when your wife submits she is to submit to your ongoing sensitive and self-giving love that seeks to sanctify her in the Lord as she observes your example of Christlikeness through service. Do you make it tough for your wife to submit?

Regardless of how one party in a marriage may act, a woman is to submit as unto the Lord and a man is to love as unto the Lord. Both men and women are to obey these roles as a spiritual service to Christ regardless of their partner's obedience. But oh how beautiful and natural it is to see a Christian wife graciously submitting to a loving husband, and a Christian husband fervently loving his submitting wife. Both empowered by the Spirit, both under the lordship of Christ. What a blessed marriage that is!

John MacArthur once said, "It is difficult to see how Christianity can have a positive effect on society if it cannot transform it's own homes." The put offs and the put ons that we studied the past four weeks are most evident in the home. The family is where, under the lordship of Christ, we learn to control our anger, rage, abusive speech and lying so that peace might reign. The family is where we first learn to work out the values of compassion, kindness, humility and patience. There is no more obvious or even difficult place to exercise these virtues day in and day out than in the home. Anybody can look good on Sunday morning, but the family life is where we show our "true colors". And apart from harmonious, God-glorifying marriages, we will never have a harmonious God-glorifying church.

Our marriages were designed to reflect the beautiful union between Christ and His church. Do people see that in us? Are our men leading and loving like Christ? Are our women submitting like His bride? Are our marriages shaming the union of Jesus and His church? Or are they providing a worthy illustration for a struggling church and dying world?