Transcript

Loving Your Wife

An elderly gentleman was invited to one of his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with an endearing term, calling her "Honey," " My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife by those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

What is love? Many are hard-pressed today to define this term. Whatever it is, many couples unfortunately would agree that it no longer exists in their marriage. What is love? Let's begin with a working definition. Stuart Scott said in his book, The Exemplary Husband, "love is a selfless and enduring commitment of the will to care about and benefit another person by righteous, truthful and compassionate thoughts, words and actions."

Our objective this morning is for husbands to understand this biblical love, and to demonstrate it in our marriages following the model of Christ's sacrificial, sanctifying and sensitive love for His church.

1. SACRIFICIAL LOVE (5:25)

Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." Before we speak about the husband's responsibility, let's look at this verse in the reverse order, beginning with the work of Christ. The verse teaches that Christ loved the church by giving Himself up for her. His love for the church was His motivation for and demonstration of expending Himself for the church.

The Scriptures say before the foundation of the world, before you were ever born, Christ set His love on you. It is a love that has no beginning and likewise is without end. His love for you is so great that He was willing to pay a supreme price if it meant redeeming you from your sinful ways and drawing you to Himself in all purity. A supreme price was demanded. The Bible says that He left His perfect fellowship with the Father to take on human flesh and dwell among sinners. The decision would involve ridicule, rejection and beatings, the denial of one close friend and the betrayal of another. He knew it and, He experienced it. And then in the cruelest, most agonizing way, He hung on the tree, suffering excruciating physical torment as He even more painfully bore the sins of mankind. He who knew no sin, became sin on our behalf. Then, in His most desperate time of need, the innocent One was deserted by His followers and mocked by the on- lookers. One of His only comments from the cross was, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Lk. 23:34). "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). Amazing sacrificial love indeed!

Now gentlemen, in examining the beginning of the verse, we are commanded to love our wives in the same manner! Many people say the ultimate responsibility for the husband is to lead. Ephesians 5:25 speaks to the contrary. The ultimate responsibility for the man is to love his wife. The text says husbands love your wives. Only when we understand God's love toward us can we begin to love our wives with the right motives.

This love is not worldly love. After all, what newlywed would say they don't love their spouse? Paul was speaking of a different kind of love. It is the same love that exists between God the Father and God the Son. It is a love unique to the Christian realm. The word is agape love. Agape love prompted the Father to send His Son into the world. Agape love prompted the Son to die on behalf of lost sinners. Agape love speaks of a self-sacrificial love.

Interestingly, the verb agapao as it is found in verse 25 is considered by grammarians a present, active, imperative. Although those words mean little to us in the pews, they do help identify the profound practical impact communicated by Paul's specific choice of this word. Present tense denotes a continual action, meaning that this agape love is a continual love that goes into the future without breaks. In other words, true love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love doesn't have an ending! Active Voice is the opposite of passive voice. Passive voice describes an action that I receive, whereas active voice describes an action I give. Therefore, agape love cannot be kept to oneself and internal feelings don't count. I must display it in words or actions. Think of it this way, "Love in the heart wasn't put there to stay; love isn't agape love until you give it away." Finally, Imperative Mood implies a command. I am to love by my personal choice. I am commanded to love. When I refuse to love, I sin. This is a high standard, but thanks be to God that He gives us the ability to fulfill it.

In summary, the Lord's pattern of His love for the church is the husband's pattern of His love for His wife. How are you doing men? Let's take a test. As I mention the Lord's work, you think of your parallel responsibility to your wife. He gave to those who were undeserving, unworthy and unloving. He gave love without limits or conditions. He gave eternal love, promising to never withdraw it despite our ongoing sins. He gave at a personal cost to Himself. He suffered for His bride. And though He was rejected, He still loved; He preached and taught; He bled and died.

Likewise, men, we should display a sacrificial love for our wives. Not a heart that regrets the sacrifices we make, but rather a heart who finds more joy in giving than receiving (Ac. 20:35). The Lord wants a heart similar to His as He endured the cross "for the joy set before Him" (Heb. 12:2).

2. SANCTIFYING LOVE (5:26-27)

From sacrificing love, let's move to sanctifying love. Ephesians 5:26-27 says, "That He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless."

Christ is continually in the present process of making the church, His bride, holy in character and conduct by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. It's unfathomable to ever imagine Christ leading us in such a way that does not progressively move toward His ultimate goal of conforming us into His image. Think about the great promises regarding the sanctifying work of Christ. He will never tempt you. He will never discourage your spiritual growth. He will never allow you to stop growing. He will always provide the necessities for your growth. He will always make time for your growth. He will always expect your growth. His goal according to the text is simple; present the church to Himself in all glory, purity, holiness and blamelessness.

In following the example of our perfect husband, Jesus Christ, our love for our wife must also be sanctifying. The confusion often lies in the definition of love. What the world often calls love, the Bible calls lust. Biblical love is always purifying. Love "does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth " (1 Cor. 13:6). If Jesus Christ is the truth (Jn. 14:6), our desire should be to see our wives grow in Christlikeness . We do this through the cooperation of the Holy Spirit as we minister to them with the Word and prayer. We give sanctifying love as we protect them from the defilement of the world through a godly example without hypocrisy.

There should be no misunderstanding. The work of sanctification comes solely from God. However, the Lord often uses the husband in the process. Kent Hughes put it well. "Then there is the earthly marital picture. It is of a woman who throughout her life has grown to be ever more like Christ. Her salvation and sanctification are solely due to the work of Christ. Nevertheless, a prominent instrument in her progressive sanctification is her loving husband. He has been a humble partner in developing her beauty. How did this come about? He was a man in whom the Word of God richly dwelled (Col. 3:16). As God's Word and Spirit filled him, he lived out the ethics of the Kingdom. As her loving head, he served her and prayed for her and adored her with unconditional love. The tide of his authenticity encouraged her onward and upward in her beauty of soul. All was and is of Christ the Bridegroom-but the sanctifying love of the husband was an effective instrument in Christ's hands."

The bottom-line, men, is to make our wives more like Christ because she is married to us. Or, is she more like Christ in spite of us? The actor Kirk Douglas once said, "If you want to know about a man, you can find out an awful lot by looking at who he married." My revision, "You can learn an awful lot about a man by what his wife has become in Christ."

3. SENSITIVE LOVE (28-30)

Our love should be sacrificial, sanctifying and finally sensitive. As a matter of fact, in discussing sensitive love, Paul's conclusion to this section seems somewhat anticlimactic. "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body" (Eph. 5:28-30).

Paul is not saying, as some have reported, that we are to love ourselves first before we can love others. Additionally, to claim a preeminent love for self would contradict the clear teachings in the Scriptures which call for a complete denial of self. Furthermore, Paul is not teaching a self-love. He is simply accepting a self-love that we already pursue. The text says, "No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it" (Eph. 5:29).

How do I love my wife? I love her as Christ loves the church. But if that model is too profound because the love of Christ is unfathomable (Eph. 3:19), Paul helps by providing a more simple illustration. Simply, men, love your wives as you love yourselves. In doing so we will be fulfilling the second greatest commandment (Mt. 22:39) and the "golden rule" principle (Mt. 7:12)…and yes we do cherish our own flesh!

For example, one of my favorite ways to relax in the fall is to watch the Chicago Bears on Sunday afternoon. My girls know that the TV belongs to daddy on Sunday. However, when I watch the game, the conditions have to be just right. I need to wear loose comfortable clothing, the reception has to be perfect, the window must open with a gentle breeze, yet the room must be as dark as possible and I need to have a cold beverage and some snacks by my side. I will go out of my way to cater to my personal preferences. But oh what a sacrifice to come downstairs at halftime to help unload the groceries! Get my point?

But, let's take it a step further. Does Christ care for His body? Yes! His body is the church and we are His members (vs. 30). We are one with Christ. Likewise, we are also "one flesh" with our wives (vs. 31). Our union with our wives represents the inseparable union Christ has with His church. In other words, I can only love myself when I love my wife. When I love her as myself I will be loving myself, because the two of us are "one flesh." John Piper said it well, "How can we live for our private pleasure at the expense of our spouse when we have become one flesh…we are living against ourselves and have destroyed our joy." If we really understand the mystery of being "one flesh," we would understand that our needs are never met until we have fulfilled the opportunity to meet hers.

Think about it. We care for ourselves beyond measure (emotionally, socially, physically, spiritually). The call is to care for our wives above ourselves. Are we as sensitive to her needs as we are to our own? Are her needs a preoccupation, like ours, in our daily lifestyle? Can we classify our sensitive love as consistent and unlimited? Are we "nourishing" and "cherishing" (vs. 29) our wives?

Let's examine where we've been by putting it all together. Christ loved the church which prompted Him to give Himself up for the church which led to the sanctification of the church for the purpose of presenting the church to Himself in all beauty and purity . In the same way, gentlemen, we love our wives which motivates us to give ourselves for our wives , leading to their sanctification for the purpose of presenting them to the Savior in spiritual beauty and purity .

Is that our goal gentlemen? Do we wish to see our wives conformed into the beautiful image of Jesus Christ as much as God does? Just as Christ's work for His church began with His love, the scenario for us begins with our love for our wives. It's all about love! The 613 elements in the law can be boiled down into the 10 Commandments. The 10 Commandments can summarized in 2 commandments: Loving God and loving others. Those 2 commandments can be boiled down into one…love! Love is the essence of the Christian life. The call is to present to your wife a love that is sacrificial, sanctifying and sensitive. The call is to die to yourself. I close with a quote from an unknown author.

"When you are forgotten or neglected or purposely set at naught, and you sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ-that is dying to self. When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take all in patient loving silence-that is dying to self. When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, or any annoyance, when you can stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility, and endure it as Jesus endured it-that is dying to self. When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment, any climate, any society, any attitude, any interruption by the will of God-that is dying to self. When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation, when you can truly love to be unknown-that is dying to self. When you see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances-that is dying to self. When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself, can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart-that is dying to self."