Transcript

When Abstinence Is Sin

1 Corinthians 7:1-9
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Pastor Randy Smith

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Paul, why does sex have to be confined within the boundaries of marriage?

Paul, since sex can lead to so many sins, wouldn't it be more spiritual if husbands and wives practiced celibacy?

Paul, am I permitted to marry an unbeliever?

Paul, if you want us to only marry those who are in Christ, should I divorce my husband who is not a Christian?

Paul, if my wife leaves me for another person, am I free to be remarried?

Paul, is it better for a person to get married or remain single?

Paul, since sex is to be limited to those who are married, should we rush out and marry the first person that comes along to limit our temptations?

We have learned that the Christian faith calls for a lifestyle that is diametrically opposed to the world's standards. For Spirit-filled believers it shouldn't take long to see all the habits and philosophies and actions that we once thought appropriate turned upside-down by Jesus Christ. You see, the moment the Holy Spirit opens our spiritual eyes, we begin to see everything anew. We begin to see the error of our former ways, and we begin to desire the ways of God. We actually want to change. This exciting transformation, especially when we are new in our faith, naturally generates many questions.

The Corinthian church was no different. They had all kinds of problems, but at least they had a desire to change. Yet they needed help. So since Paul was over a hundred miles removed from their presence, they chose to write him a letter. We do not have this letter, but we do have Paul's response. In chapter 7 of 1 Corinthians, Paul begins to address their questions often prefaced by the phrase "now concerning." (The NIV version translates it "now about.")

Look with me at verse 1. "Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman." Verse 25, "Now concerning virgins." In chapter 8, verse 1 we read, "Now concerning things sacrificed to idols." Chapter 12, verse 1, "Now concerning spiritual gifts." In chapter 16, Paul addresses two more of their questions. In verse 1 he says, "Now concerning the collection for the saints" and in verse 12 he answers their inquiry "concerning Apollos." (These questions were probably brought to Paul by the three-person delegation mentioned in chapter 16 (16:17). Paul will use these issues as bookmarks as he concludes his epistle to this church.

Now, chapter 7 in particular answers questions concerning marriage, remarriage, divorce, singleness and celibacy. While some have wished to make this chapter a manual regarding everything the Christian needs to know about these issues, we must remember that Paul's intent was not to exhaust the subject, but rather answer the specific questions addressed to him by the Corinthians. And he begins chapter 7 in verses 1- 9 by addressing the issue of celibacy (meaning: no sex whatsoever). Question: Is celibacy right or wrong for the Christian?

Like many in the church today, the Corinthians were extremists. We have learned how their sexually promiscuous lifestyle crept into the church. Throughout chapters 5 and 6 Paul informs them that the acts of incest, fornication, adultery and homosexuality have no place in the life of the Christian. As a matter of fact, he made it clear that those people who practice these sins "will not inherit the kingdom of God" (6:9).

So it is easy to see how some extreme personalities could come to the conclusion that all sex is morally wrong. And since all sex is morally wrong, singleness is deemed more spiritual than marriage. And if one already made the mistake and pursued marriage, they should not divorce, but they should abstain from sexual relations with their partner. Their premise: The world has sex. All sex is wrong. We are different than the world. Therefore all Christians should be celibate.

Paul begins chapter 7 by addressing the error of this ideology. He begins by informing them that singleness is a viable option and honorable in the sight of God. Look at verse 1. "It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (this is a Jewish euphemism for sex). In other words it is good to remain celibate. It is perfectly fine to remain single (contrary to the Jewish belief of the day). This thought resurfaces in verses 6-9. "But this I say by way of concession, not of command. Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Therefore singleness is permissible and even honorable, says Paul. However, we must not become extremists. While advocating singleness, we must not undermine or depreciate the desire for marriage as being less spiritual. Both marriage and singleness are acceptable options for the believer, each having its own advantages and disadvantages (cf. 7:32-25).

There is freedom in this area as to whether one marries or remains single. However, God has laid out specific commands regarding sexual intimacy that are not to be compromised. The Corinthian error: They were either too loose, abiding by no restrictions, or too tight, by advocating celibacy for all.

God's Word is unmistakably clear. 1. Singles must remain celibate. 2. Sex between a man and a woman is to be confined within the boundaries of marriage. 3. And within the boundaries of marriage, celibacy is not an acceptable option.

Now, there are two primary ways we can go with this sermon; Singleness within the church or sex within marriage. Since Paul will readdress the issue of singleness later in this chapter, I have chosen to devote this sermon specifically to the matter of sex within marriage. Possibly this will be the first sermon you have ever heard on this subject.

The Bible is not ashamed to speak of marital sex. We must receive this instruction similar to other biblical instruction. We must understand the joys and dangers of sex within the marriage. We must understand this gift from God's perspective and use it in a way that glorifies Him and strengthens our marriages.

1. SEX HAS SPECIFIC BOUNDARIES (verse 2)

Let's begin with the first point: "Sex has Specific Boundaries."

We need to understand God's boundaries for sexual intimacy. Just as Paul wanted the Corinthians to understand these boundaries, God wants us through inspired Scripture, to understand that certain sexual situations are wrong. As I stated earlier, incest, homosexuality, fornication and adultery are unacceptable for the disciple of Jesus Christ. Not only do they bring devastating consequences to the individual (6:19), but they also pervert the intentions of the living God who created sex for a higher and more fulfilling purpose. Hebrews 13 states, "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Heb. 13:4).

However, we must understand that sex, within the parameters of marriage is not evil as even some Christians are often led to believe. It is holy and righteous and good. I sometimes get concerned when sex is always spoken of negatively in many Christian homes. In an effort to dissuade sexual immorality, Christian parents are often guilty of failing to extol God's good intentions for sexual morality.

In rereading my favorite book on parenting, Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp made this provocative comment: He said, "It is important that you let your children in on the fact that there is a sexual dimension to mom and dad's relationship. Some Christians have the mistaken idea that their children should never see mom and dad in any intimate embrace. The result is that the fraudulent affairs on TV and in the lives of wicked people are the only expressions of sexuality that they ever see. I am not talking about inviting children into the bedroom, but about the importance of knowing that there is a sexual dimension to mom and dad's relationship" (p. 203).

I'm afraid that many Christian children and teens only hear of sex in the negative context. This leads to an attitude that is similar to the Corinthians: that sex within marriage is bad at worst, or at best, neutral to the relationship.

Moreover, our children must be taught to see the sexual exploitation that surrounds them in magazines and peer conversations and on billboards and the television as a cheep counterfeit of the sexual enjoyment God promises to those within a marriage relationship. They need to internalize that doing things God's way will bring them the utmost satisfaction and happiness.

All this confirms Dr. Tripp's comments that parents should mimic biblical instruction and discuss God's intensions for sexuality. They should also, within reason, model physical intimacy before their children. We in the church must all realize the many ways the world has perverted sex, but not to the exclusion of realizing how sex between a man and woman within the boundaries of a Christian marriage actually has the opportunity to glorify God.

Therefore Paul says in verse 2, "But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband." (Again this is another euphuism for sexual intercourse - see Ex. 2:12; Dt. 28:30; Isa. 13:16; Mt. 14:4; Mk. 6:18; Jn. 4:18).

2. SEX HAS SPECIFIC RESPONSIBILITIES (verses 3-4)

As we move on to the second point, we also need to see that sex within marriage has not only certain privileges but also certain responsibilities. I believe many of these responsibilities are ignored because couples have assumed what they learned about sex from the world is accurate. Allow me to divulge a little secret: The world is a horrible teacher of God's truth! Unfortunately, many Christians have an unfulfilling sex life because they have not turned to the One who created sex and the One who has provided us with specific instruction in His operational manual called the Bible.

The Apostle Paul made it clear that marriage, more specifically the bonding of two individuals, most specifically pictured and expressed in sexual intimacy is an illustration of Jesus Christ and His union with the church (Eph. 5:32). Considering this "one flesh" motif (cf. 6:16), I have discovered a few good definitions of biblical sex. They outline the inherent responsibilities.

In his book, Design for Christian Marriage, Dwight Hervey Small wrote: "Sexual intercourse is more than a physical act, it is a symbol of a spiritual relationship and the expression of the complete oneness of two persons in married love. …It is…the means by which they are confirmed and nourished in that union. Sexual intercourse is the physical establishment and confirmation of that oneness. The true dignity of sex is in its ability to enhance this personal unity between two persons who have committed themselves to each other in love and marriage. In sexual intercourse the couple becomes joined in an indissoluble unity, called in the Bible 'one flesh'" (p. 94, 96).

Wayne Mack in Strengthening Your Marriage, said, "According to the Bible, the marriage act is more than a physical act. It is an act of sharing. It is an act of communion. It is an act of total self-giving wherein the husband gives himself completely to the wife, and the wife gives herself to the husband in such a way that the two actually become one flesh" (p. 120).

You see, general principles for Christian living do not end when we enter the bedroom. We have responsibilities. Sexual intimacy should not be seen as an act, but rather a means of deep communication and sharing. It should be a physical opportunity to express, enhance, confirm and nourish the oneness we share in marriage. Sex should be the physical overflow of our love for God and our love for our spouses. Like it does in all relationships, selflessness should permeate our sexual relationship too. "(Love) does not seek its own," (1 Cor. 13:5) said Paul in chapter 13 of this letter. Our desire during intimacy should be the desire of our partner over the temptation to gratify self.

You know, the biblical command on this last thought might actually surprise you a bit. We find it right here in 1 Corinthians 7. In verse 3 we read, "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband" (7:3).

We might not often think of sex in this manner, but the Bible refers to intimacy in marriage as a "duty." Sex is a privilege and a pleasure, but we can also say sex is an obligation and a responsibility. In other words, sex is not an option in marriage. Couples are expected by God to engage and individuals have the responsibility to meet the sexual needs of their partner. We are not talking unrealistic demands or expectations that are hurtful and dishonoring to God. We are talking about responsibility to mutually satisfy the other within reason. God does not permit intentional celibacy within marriage. This is the only time when abstinence is a sin.

I'm sure many single are thinking what is the problem with you married folks! Other single may be thinking, I don't want that these sexual responsibilities. Then don't get married!

This thought is further developed and explained in verse 4. "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."

Again, situations such as sickness, surgery, travel and emergencies may prevent full sexual intimacy. Even age may limit the extent of your intimacy - though not your intimacy altogether. God is well aware of these situations. But the decision to intentionally eliminate sex within your marriage or deprive your marriage partner when it is in your ability to do otherwise is against the clear instructions from God's Word.

Why?

As verse 4 indicates, neither the husband nor the wife have authority of their bodies. Our bodies were not given to meet the sexual needs of ourselves, although that is definitely included. They were ultimately given to meet the sexual needs of our partner (footnote: this is why masturbation is wrong). Therefore our spouses, says the Apostle Paul, have authority over our bodies. Celibacy cannot be instituted at the expense of our spouse nor can it be instituted at the expense of God who has the ultimate authority over our bodies (Rom. 12:1). And He is the One who commands us to engage. The top of verse 5 couldn't be clearer: "Stop depriving one another."

Another reason couples should have regular intimacy is to alleviate the temptation to gratify our sexual desires elsewhere (7:2, 5b, 9). Unless one has been granted the gift of celibacy (7:7), God has given each His creatures the desire for sex. The desire itself is a good gift from God. Yet how one may choose to exercise that desire is an issue that God is extremely concerned about. Think of it this way, the call to be married in verse 2 is the dam (or protection) against fornication. And the call to be sexually active within marriage in verses 3-4 is the dam against adultery (John Piper, sermon on this text).

Regular sex is also necessary to express our love for each other on the deepest human level. After the last point, it could be easy to conclude that we might treat each other as objects of sexual gratification. That thought couldn't be further from the truth. Love should characterize the marriage relationship and love should characterize the sexual relationship without selflessness, without fear of exploitation.

So sex has its boundaries. Sex also has its responsibilities. Finally let's examine sex and its exceptions.

3. SEX HAS SPECIFIC EXCEPTIONS (verse 5)

I have already mentioned some obvious exceptions to regular sex within a marriage. However, verse 5 lists the only exception mentioned in the Bible. Please look there with me. "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

You just heard the only biblical exception to break from sex: prayer. I believe Paul is speaking of times when we might have a strong burden for a person or ministry. Possibly something that is overwhelming our affections needs our full attention and concentration. Like fasting - the removal of food, abstinence - the removal of sex during prayer, may heighten our focus and minimize our distractions.

This cessation of sex is acceptable for prayer; however, Paul is quick to list three caveats: First of all, this exception is optional and not required for couples. Second, both marriage partners must be in "agreement" - sumphonos (the Greek word), where we get the English word, "symphony." Regardless of how lofty you believe there is a need to abstain for prayer, it is only permissible if your marriage partner agrees as well. And the assumption is that both of you will not only be abstaining, but also praying. And third, this break from intimacy should only be "for a time." This period should be short-lived. Paul explains why in the remainder of the verse. "And come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." This will be a vulnerable time for us. And Satan, who makes it his specialty to destroy marriages through illicit sex, is a powerful enemy who is ready to strike through the powerful force of our unfulfilled sexual drive.

Sex is a topic we rarely discuss. The world has made it into a bad word. In many ways that is true when you consider the damages incurred through immoral sex. However, the Bible on page after page extols sex when it is done according to God's design (Song of Solomon, Pr. 5:18-19).

Sadly many Christians have received their sex education from the world and not from the Word. Because of this their sex lives are filled with dissatisfaction. Often sex is the source of conflict within the marriage, instead of the promoter of unity that it is clearly intended to be.

There are many reasons for sexual conflict. Possibly there is unresolved guilt from former sexual encounters. We need to understand that God forgives and move on with that promise in faith (Phil. 3:13b). Possibly there is a lack of love. Meaningful intimacy is impossible when there is hate, bitterness, anger, resentment and hurt feelings within a marriage. (For a good illustration see Jay Adams in Wayne Mack, Strengthening Your Marriage, p. 126-127). Possibly there is ignorance regarding a proper understanding about the differences between male and female sexual dispositions. Possibly there is outright manipulation, the using of sex as a bargaining chip. This mentality contradicts what we learned this morning. You can't bribe someone with something you owe them!

Problems in the area of marital sex can and should be viewed as a warning that something is wrong elsewhere in the marriage. But whatever the reason for the problem, God's grace can enable His children to have fulfilling marriages as well as fulfilling sex lives (regardless of what others might be doing).

This is His design. He wants married couples to engage in regular sexual intimacy. The Bible does not provide concrete numbers, but it does expect marital sex to be marked by frequency and mutual satisfaction.

We must perceive sex as a wonderful gift from God-a gift that is used by those in a marriage relationship-a gift that we can discuss and enjoy amongst our spouse.

In speaking shortly after his wife's tragic death, C.S. Lewis wrote: "We feasted on love; every mode of it, solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as a thunderstorm, sometimes comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. She was my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress, but at the same time all that a man friend has ever been to me" (A Grief Observed).

May our lives be filled with a similar passion for our spouses as we enjoy and gratefully use the gifts God has provided.