Transcript

God's Blueprint for a Husband

1 Peter 3:7
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Pastor Randy Smith

---

Men, I want you to imagine something with me. Pretend you wanted to build your own house. You buy some land and then purchase all the materials you need. Without hesitation you start building based upon a mental image you have in your mind. Reality is you have improper supplies. You have no construction skills. And you have no detailed design that you need to follow. What kind of house do you think you will construct?

It's a silly illustration, but how many men attempt to build their marriage with the same perspective? They have no tools, they lack skills and they work without a blueprint. And all they have to go after is sadly too often a poor example from their father. Should they be surprised that their marriage as soon as they move in instantly begins to collapse around them?

As advertised, for the next three weeks I would like to explain God's blueprint for a husband, a father and a churchman. I would like to investigate with you and learn with you myself what God has to say about how a real man is to function in these three domains both to bring Him the greatest glory and the man and his family the greatest happiness.

A few caveats before we begin:

Number one, if the sermon does not address you directly, I would encourage you not to tune me out because it will address you indirectly. You men not married, it's best to learn this now to begin your marriage on the right foot. Older folks, it is your responsibility to help the younger knuckleheads like me in this area. Wives, this is how you need to encourage you're your husbands. And single girls, the husband I am about to paint is the man you should aspire to marry.

Number two, men; these are your responsibilities regardless of how others, primarily your wife, treat you. I am the first one to say that your wife can make it a whole lot easier, but regardless of how she acts (even if she is an unbeliever) these are expectations of obedience vertically placed upon you from the Lord. Your compliance to God must be unconditional unrelated to horizontal situations with others.

Number three, apart from God's grace, the husband God wants you to be will be impossible. You need to have a saving relationship with Jesus Christ and abide in Him daily if you wish to have any success. Only then will you eagerly accept the biblical expectations and only then will you have the necessary strength to fulfill them.

And number four, the picture I will paint today of a godly husband is the one I trust every wife will desire. Ladies, that desire is good, but too often the way wives seek to have it fulfilled isn't. Nagging, complaining, manipulating and a couple elbow chops to his side during this series will only push you husband further away. I cannot improve upon the biblical advice for women in this regard directly from the context. Look at the earlier verses of 1 Peter 3, beginning in verse 1. Here is how you win your husbands to be the men both you and God want them to be: "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external - braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God."

So as I speak to the men about the biblical blueprint for a husband, I pray the Holy Spirit will bring application to all of you!

1. UNDERSTAND HER

The first of two points this morning. Men, if we want to honor God and have a flourishing marriage, it is essential that we understand our wives. The beginning of verse 7, "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way" (stop right there). I believe the word "consider" in the NIV is a poor translation. Literally the verse could be translated, "Dwell with your wives according to knowledge."

As I have learned, oftentimes the hard way, women by God's design are not wired like men. They want to be nurtured. They want to be loved. They want to feel safe. They want to be understood. And more often than not we treat them like male roommates that happen to live in the same college fraternity.

From personal experience and years of counseling, these are some common ways that men fail to understand their wives in a general sense.

One, when we always attempt to fix our wives' problems. We may have their best interests in mind, but often our wives just want us to listen. After a while they no longer feel cherished. We dehumanize them. They feel like a lifeless computer that needs continual maintenance. Often they just want their feelings considered and not an emotionally unattached know-it-all repairman.

Two, when we say we are home, but we are really not home. Perhaps we claim to be in the same room, but we are glued to the television set. Perhaps we claim to talk, but never engage in meaningful conversation. Perhaps we give our family all they need to live, but know nothing about a personal relationship. Women often have a much different definition as to what it means to have an intimate family.

Three, when we expect our wives to be our mothers. For some of us, we never grow up; we never sever the chords of dependence from our moms. We forever take, as we sadly do from our moms, simply believing that serving us is the only purpose for their existence. Marriage is more than having someone to iron your shirts, pack your lunches and slap an occasional Band-Aid on your wound.

Four, when we serve our wives only when we are asked. Here is where many marriages get their wires crossed. Men oftentimes do not offer their assistance until they are asked. Women on the other hand expect us to know how and where to serve them without needing to ask us all the time. Another example of the resentment I see too often. "He never offers his help!" "She never asks me to help!"

Five, when a guy portrays himself to be a hero outside the home, but inside the home he is a zero. Gentlemen, few things will bring greater disgust to your wife than sheer hypocrisy. Rarely do I encounter a Christian woman that is disappointed that her husband is not a spiritual superman. They are simply looking for someone who will be a godly leader in the home demonstrated by commitment to please the Lord. I believe women give us a lot of grace in this area and most of the pressure we men do face is the pressure we place on ourselves. However, great frustration sets in when the husband is more concerned with appearing to be godly with others and doing very little in the home to demonstrate it.

And number six, when guys seek to lead with overbearing domination - yelling, threats, physical abuse, demands, scare tactics, belittling comments and the like. Let's call this what it is, sin! Men, you are a leader, but your leadership is to follow the leadership of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Like His, your leadership is to be done with love through service and by example. I have seen these guys come and go through our church. They hate being under authority themselves, they know little about encouragement, they delight in fault-finding, they feel their opinion is always right and they make every disagreement into a fight. I can only imagine the monsters they must be to their wives and kids. Often their wives are not permitted to speak, but I can read the pain in their eyes.

Men, do you live with your wife in an understanding way? Do you understand how women think? Moreover, do you understand how your wife in particular thinks? If I were to ask you, could you identify your wife's strengths and weaknesses and concerns and anxieties and fears and goals and feelings and desires? Do you listen to her? Do you study her? Do you take the time to be with her? Do you ask the right questions to determine what makes her tick?

You see men, God has not only given you a woman who is different from you as a man, but also a woman that is different from other women. The Lord provides general tools that all husbands must employ, but how we use those tools requires skill that must be customized to our particular spouses. And if we fail to rightly understand our spouse, we will fail to meet her specific needs as the Lord expects in 1 Peter 3:7.

2. HONOR HER

Our wives wish to be understood. It is commanded of us. The same can be said of the need to honor them, our second point. Before I get into specific ways to honor our wives, permit me to provide from our passage one general reason "why" we are to honor them and then one general way "how" we are to honor them.

The reason why we are to honor our wives given in this passage is because our wives as Christians are fellow children of God. Near the end of verse 7 we read, "Show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life." Too often our difference in roles (1 Cor. 11:2-3; Eph. 5:22-33; Col. 3:18-19) makes us wrongly assume that we have a difference in essence (cf. Gal. 3:28). Therefore Peter, while upholding the roles for husbands and wives, reminds us men that our Christian wife is not inferior in any way as it pertains to her personhood. She too was created in the image of God. She too was redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ. She too has unique gifts and personality traits. She too is looking forward to her eternal home in heaven. And she too has received God's grace for a joyous life and marriage. In the eyes of God, she has equal purpose, dignity and worth. In the eyes of God, she is loved by Him no less than you.

If anything, as we learned in the abortion sermon, God is much quicker because of her position to run to her defense. The ending of the verse makes this clear and gives a stern warning to every husband. "Show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered."

Having three daughters has really helped me understand these words. I want nothing but the best for them and could only imagine the pain I would feel if they gave their hearts to another man and were abused by him in any way. I can tell you right now I would have a tough time laying off these guys, moreover blessing them with what they desire.

It is no different with God. How can we treat one of His daughters like a piece of dirt and then expect Him to hear our prayers and bless our requests? Think of it this way guys, you mess with God's daughter and you are messing with Him. God takes it very personally as to how you treat your wife (cf. Mt. 6:15; Jas. 2:13; 1 Jn. 4:19-21)! So if you want to be right with God, you had better start honoring his daughter now!

That answers why we need to honor our wives, but how do we honor our wives? Here is a general principle found in verse 7: "Live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman." This statement is not intended to be derogatory. It is not to insult women as being weaker spiritually or intellectually. It is simply a reference to her physical statue. As we said earlier, she is equal to you spiritually, but now we read she is unequal to you physically. The verse is implying that you are both physically weak, but in most cases she is "weaker." In other words, I'd probably beat my wife in a cage match ten out of ten times! But why is Peter saying this here?

One is because men are nothing but losers and cowards if they think there is nothing wrong with dominating their wives (big tough guy - you can overpower your wife!). Two is because this is another way we need to understand our wives. When we hear some noise late at night, I hope we are the ones investigating. "Go check it out, honey, I'll be under the bed praying for you!" And three, I believe this tells us how we are to honor them. Here is what I mean by that - the King James Version translates this literally using "weaker vessel." I like that! Think of your wife as a valuable fragile vase.

If you had something like that in the home what would you do? You would put it on display. You would value it above all other vessels. You would praise its beauty. You would protect it. You would treat it with care. You would honor it! Our wives can break easily. They are vulnerable. We fail to honor our wives in a general way when we fail to consider this.

How about specifics? How can I practically put this principle of honoring my wife into action? I have three action items for you.

Here we go, one, respect her opinions. Men, just because you are called by God to be the leader does not mean your wife serves no purpose in the direction of the family. She oftentimes adds valuable insight. Ask for her opinion and receive it humbly! When you disagree, pray about it. When you still disagree, explain your position gently and with respect. She is able to see your blind spots. She may even need to correct you. She has valuable gifts that you need to help her exercise. You are a team. Make sure she is with you every step of the way. That's honor!

Two, consider her needs. Learn her needs and make it your priority to fulfill them. Get a job and hold a job so she knows that she will be taken care of financially. Men it is your call to work and provide for her needs. Don't abdicate your responsibilities and unnecessarily heap this burden on your wives because you want to be lazy or pamper your lifestyle. Men, are you providing for your wife's needs emotionally? Is she secure and satisfied because you are in her life? Do you tell her that you love her? How about her spiritual needs? Do you make the effort to get the family in the Word and prayer together? Your wives are not asking for much, just crack the Bible with them! Do you prioritize church on the Lord's Day? Does your wife sense any consistency? Are you giving her the opportunity to use her gifts and develop meaningful relationships with other ladies? Are you providing every opportunity to help her connect with God and His people? Are you taking the initiative? Are you meeting her needs? Are you demonstrating to her that apart from Jesus Christ she has first place in your heart? That's honor!

Three, support her role as a woman. Do you realize her position makes her vulnerable, open to exploitation? Do you honor her by not taking advantage of her? Do you realize that marital conflict often causes more pain in her heart? Do you say anything or do anything that would lead her to unnecessary fear? Do you trash her behind her back? Do you compare her unfavorably with other women? Do you flirt with other ladies? Do you ignore her physically? Rather is there consideration? Is there encouragement? Is there praise for who she is and what she does? "Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her, saying: 'Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.' Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates" (Pr. 31:28-31). That's honor!

This is not a role for the wimpy or fainthearted. This is not a role promoted by the world. But when it all comes together, we will be the very people our wives most deeply desire. And we can have a marriage that is filled with happiness and satisfaction.

This week I heard about a Christian couple from Johnstown Pennsylvania that was married for 65 years. 87-year-old Marjorie died in her husband's arms. The last words she heard from his lips were, "It's OK. I love you. We had many good years together. I will see you real soon." Exactly 88 minutes later her 89-year-old husband died of a heart attack. The granddaughter's testimony was, "[He] died of a broken heart. I don't think they could have lived apart from each other" (The Associated Press, 02/10/2012).

This is what God wants from us as Christian husbands. To live with our wives in an understanding way and to honor them as fellow heirs of the grace of life - until death do us part.

None of us are perfect. We all have a long way to go, but with the Lord Jesus Christ there is forgiveness. There is always the opportunity for a fresh start. There is His grace which empowers us to be the men He desires and the husbands our wives want us to be.

And I know it is His will for you to succeed. For the ultimate purpose of our marriage is that we as husbands might image forth to the world the leadership of Jesus Christ and His love for His bride, the church. So may we look to the Lord, follow His lead and serve our wives by example and sacrifice as He does for us every day.